Whether we are happy with our relationships or not often is decided by a simple criteria. When we get what we want or wish, we are happy with the relationship. If we don´t get what we want or wish we are not so happy with our relationship. And this looks simply normal and natural. We want to be happy, and accordingly we evaluate our different life situations, like work, living, money, health, relationships.
And it is very easy to stay with that perspective, but at the same time in the long run very limiting, preventing us from growing, preventing us from being in touch with our depth, with Essence. When we are in a situation where we are “unhappy with the relationship”, what really happens there? Our partner obviously does not give something to us which we want or need, and we start to feel pain, emptiness, abandonment, frustration. Something is missing which we need. But this missing comes from inside of us. When we get from the partner what we wish for, for some time the missing disappears. And on the physical level this makes absolutely sense. When you are thirsty, you drink, when you are thirsty again, you drink again. But on a psychological level things are quite different. When we miss something, it first of all shows that we are not in contact with love, joy, ecstasy, strength or peace for example ourselves. Getting it from outside gives us a temporary relief, but actually it does not change the situation inside of us. We just get dependant on the partner, and then it is not far to the point where we start power struggles, manipulation, demanding, what we call negative merging in Essence work.
If we shift our focus away from whether we get what we want from the partner, towards becoming aware of the absence inside of us, the lack of something, or how we call it in Essence work, the holes, the situation changes completely. Instead of engaging with the partner, struggling, trying to get what we want, we face our holes. We meet this absence, and this is always connected with a lack of mirroring of Love, joy, strength, peace or will in early childhood. We do face sadness, loss, emptiness first, yes, but then our very looking at those feelings starts to create this mirroring now. And love, joy, strength, peace start to be present again on their own.
When we look at our relationships from this perspective, the moments where our partner does not give us what we want or need, actually become precious moments. These moments become opportunities to again come into contact with essence. And then meeting the partner again becomes a sharing, an expression of the richness and colorfulness inside of us. And all these well known frictions, power struggles, demands and withdrawals which are so poisonous for relationships dissolve like morning fog in the sun.
Shangri La offers self-experiental groups with the theme of
Essence of relationship